Mortal Pageant
by retro and vintage
Summary: The Elder Gods realized their mistake in MK9. But like the bastard gods they are, they continued to make mortals suffer for their amusement.


AN: I had this idea for a very long while, and after reading the old crack fics in this section of the site. I was inspired.

Pure crack. If you notice any anomalies in this fic with the storyline, I dearly apologize, then again all of them are pretty ooc from the start of this story. This will only feature the roster in MK9 except for Cyber - Sub Zero. Ill think about the other characters in the previous installments...

Fourth walls shalt be broken. And this chapter is a mere prologue.

I apologize if some parts don't make sense.

* * *

><p><em>This unusual order of the deities <em>

_Have caused a tear in the fabric of the universe_

_Breaking everything known that was normal_

_And the mortals could only face palm their heads in answer_

* * *

><p>Shang Tsung stared blankly at the Thunder God. His jaw slacking off a fly almost went inside. Shang Tsung could not...sort of... believe what Raiden said, and he felt it was some sick, <em>sick joke<em>. Raiden just stood there and waited.

"A pageant? The Elder Gods want a PAGEANT!" Shang Tsung's eyes almost fell out of his sockets. Are those bastard gods _serious_?

"..."

"Seriously?"

"Look, I'm confused as well, but that's what they said" Raiden shrugged.

Shang Tsung's expression was terror personified. His skin looked pale and anger was seeping in very, very fast.

"Are - Are you sure..? That's..." He held his breath "_really_ _stupid of them..._"

"It's the will of the Elder Gods -"

Shang Tsung stomped the ground to cut him off, then regretted the move immediately since the soil was muddy.

"Screw the rules! There's no way I'm hosting this shithole contest!" He panted. "It costs more than a Mortal Kombat tournament and I've been bankrupt for months! And you know it!"

Raiden grew irritated at this point.

"You actually thought they care if you're out of money? They stiill want you to host it, even if your tongue was amputated." Raiden faked a yawn.

"Pfft!" Shang Tsung then spat on the ground, imitating Kano, he was aiming for Raiden's feet but it landed on the soil instead. But it did not hinder his disgust at the news.

"If they want a pageant so_ bad_ they should castrate me RIGHT NOW to convince me!"

"That's not a good idea..."

Shang Tsung's nerves started to seizure when he felt something oozing out from his jewels. He's _pretty sure_ it's not urine.

_Ouch. Ouch. My..._

"I take it back! PLEASE!" Shang Tsung screamed and knelt on the ground. Raiden freaked out too, Shang Tsung was actually crying like a complete ninny on the ground and it left Raiden nervous and frightened. The sorcerer kept on shaking uncontrollably and apparently recited his oral last will and testament right on the spot. Raiden backed away a bit, he cannot interfere.

It only took 30 seconds of not helping Shang Tsung to make the pain stop. As soon as the pain subsided, Shang Tsung tried to stand up on both feet, but he merely sat up instead because it really friggin' hurt. He looked at his pants, they were soaked with his blood and...other... things.

_My only pride and dignity..cut off in one second..._

Raiden looked at the sorcerer's pants too,and, highly inappropriate for a god, started to sneer. "Looks like it's your time of the month,_ Eh_?" He nudged his shoulder.

Silence.

_Wait..that bastard sorcerer should've attacked me by now._

Raiden almost felt concern when Shang Tsung remained silent for too long. "Umm...What's wrong?"

_It was a stupid question, someone's bleeding on the ground and you ask that? _Raiden almost slapped himself.

Shang Tsung blinked at the gap between his thighs, missing the weight of his castrated you-know-what. He muttered something as he looked at the ground. Raiden noticed his skin was ghastly pale...probably from the blood loss. Shang Tsung's eyes widened and he started to sob uncontrollably like a girl in her PMS. Sensing he might go ax-crazy if left alone, Raiden asked him again. "You alright?"

His companion started to stutter like a madman "I-I-I..."

"Yes?"

Shang Tsung was drenched in sweat and tears. "You know I can change my form right?"

"...yes?" Raiden replied unknowingly, not sure where the topic was headed.

Shang Tsung continued hesitantly and sniffed. "And I can change my gender as I transform into any of you..."

Raiden thought about it, it's obvious the sorcerer was embarrassed to continue talking. Then it hit him. "Oh..._Ooh..._" Raiden bit his lip. "I'm, so sorry man" He knelt to the ground and patted Shang Tsung's shoulder. "So did they really..." Raiden waved his hand, urging him to say something.

"Yes...they replaced my penis with a vagina..."

Wow...he did not expect that...looks like the Elder Gods where totally taking this seriously..

"Isn't that a bit vocal?" Raiden frowned.

Shang Tsung glared at him but immediately wept when he looked at Raiden's pants.

There was a long pause. The crickets were even loud enough to cover up Shang Tsung's whimperings. The sorcerer grasped the spot where his manhood used to be, now replaced with a very dirty, bacteria ridden female reproductive organ. Raiden coughed out ouf awkwardness.

Raiden stared at him worriedly and thought of ways to console the poor man.

"Well...since you're a transexual now, so...maybe you can join the pageant so the Elder Gods could-"

**"SHUT UP!"** Shang Tsung bitched slapped the Thunder God.

* * *

><p>Shang Tsung got a new set of robes. He wore a sash around his lower body so no one will suspect...anything.<p>

He sat on a chair like throne as always, since he was forced to host this...

"This sucks. They should've just killed me..." Shang Tsung massaged his temples. Raiden stood next to him.

Raiden patted Shang Tsung's head in a very fatherly manner. "There There... it would've been worse. I mean they would've turn you into a hermaphrodite or some thing...or give you six pairs of animal geni-"

"DON'T TEMPT THEM!" Shang Tsung banged his fists angrily on the armrest of his chair. The wood cracked slightly.

Raiden turned his head away to ignore the other one's profanities. Then he started at the main hall as the kombatants entered inside one by one.

"You're all here?" Raiden queried.

Liu Kang, the supposed leader/baby-sitter of the other fighters did a head count. "Just the entire MK9 roster, except for Cyber - Sub Zero"

"Wait...where are the others from the previous installments?" Shang Tsung asked Raiden. "Are they dead?" He almost looked hopeful.

"Nah, the Elder Gods didn't want them"

"I see" The sorcerer cradled his chin in thought. "Good riddance to them"

Raiden was confused as he looked at the situation. _"I followed the Elder God's demand for the pageant, but the female kombatants are so...few. Unless the men wanted to join - Oh god! Bad thought! BAD THOUGHT! STOP!"_

He coughed and looked at everyone. Raiden assumed that Shang Tsung was too embarrassed to say anything so he spoke for him.

"I have an announcement" The Thunder God spoke without raising his voice. Everyone listened, except for a certain few people...

"We're going to kill all the MK OC's in the internet."

"For real!" Scorpion clutched his sword in excitement.

"Right after we give Liu Kang a surgery in his throat."

Scorpion was confused.

Kitana coughed. "He's kidding"

"I knew that" Scorpion crossed his arms.

"Now that I got your attention" Raiden continued." I have an announcement to make. Other than Shang Tsung being-"

Shang Tsung kicked him from behind. "Dude!"

"What?...oh...is it supposed to be a secret?"

"Well duh dumbass!" Shang Tsung wanted to curse him.

Raiden cocked an eyebrow before facing everyone.

"Listen closely, the Elder Gods just made some drastic changes to Mortal Kombat since too many people supposedly died. They're trying to fix things, hence why you are all here alive and...existing. They decided to not hold any fights for now. So the ways of handling the realms will be different till..."

"Till when?" Shao Khan asked.

Raiden furrowed his brows in thought. "After they figure out a decent story for the sequel."

"Ah" Shao Kahn nodded thoughtfully "They better put me in the game"

"I'm sure they will" Raiden clapped his hands to get everyone to listen. "Alright this is all too confusing to discuss so I'll say it as simple as possible. First, there shall be no deaths. Nada. Zilch."

"That's boring!" Mileena whined.

"Yeah what she said. I think" Baraka scratched his nape.

"Oh and one more thing, men are exempted from this new tournament. But if you want to participate..." Raiden shuddered at the thought. "Ok on second thought. DON'T. it is _mandatory_ for not any single man in this room to join."

There were mixed reactions.

"Was that supposed to be good news?" Stryker nudged Kabal questioningly, the latter just shrugged in reply.

Now for the biggun. "And lastly, the Elder Gods proposed to change the ways of Mortal Kombat into a pageant." Raiden said, anticipating complaints as he mentally prepared for some witty comebacks.

All of them shouted.

"Absurd!"

"Those bastards!"

"That's wrong!"

"What the Fu- !"

Raiden foresaw this. "HOLD! This change is temporary!" Raiden shouted with a horn in his hand."They don't want any deaths, are we clear? that's why it's a pageant!"

"It doesn't make sense!" Jade pointed out.

"Of course it doesn't make any sense! it came from them!" Liu Kang shouted.

Raiden blew his horn very loudly and everyone stopped for a moment. Sonya twitched and looked at Raiden with disdain.

"You're not lying are you?"

Raiden eyed her suspiciously. He spoke "No, I'm not, and it is REQUIRED for women in this tournament to join."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"Positive?"

"Yes"

Johnny butted in. "Do you wear diapers at night"

"Yes - HEY!" Raiden was covered with electric currents. really. pissed.

"Well I guess" Johnny wore his sunglasses "That was shocking news"

Silence.

"Aw Come on!" Johnny cried.

Then Smoke raised his hands to get Raiden's attention.

"Don't you dare troll me" Raiden warned.

"Nah I won't. But one thing concerns me, if men can't join what are we supposed to do? It's not exactly fair."

"Wait...you wanna join the pageant?" Raiden asked thoughtfully.

"What the F? NO!"Smoke inhaled sharply, knowing well what the other guys think of his 'gay' hair. "I mean what are we supposed to do? Just watch them compete?"

"That's true Smokella" Raiden contemplated in thought.

"What?"

"Nothing, look, all you guys could just end up being a judge or a host or you know...help in making this thing possible."

"I'll be the host! Please?" Johnny asked with a big grin on his face.

"Sure I guess" Raiden shrugged absentmindedly.

Baraka raised his blade.

"What? " Raiden questioned.

"Where'd you get the horn"

"It's magic"

Everyone was noisy again, Shang Tsung ordered everyone to be quiet. Shao Kahn looked at him cautiously.

"Something's different about you sorcerer, you're voice seems..."

Shang Tsung grew nervous. "I'm merely practicing my voice acting..."

"But you can morph, you don't need it."

"...Apparently" Shang Tsung gulped the truth in his throat. "I do."

Shao Kahn blinked. "...Fine"

The Thunder God stomped his foot to make them shut up.

"I'm aware of the many questions you have, but rest assured it will be answered as soon as possible. In the meantime everyone...don't do anything stupid."

All of them were dismissed.

Everyone except Kano.

"Why can't they change it to something else?" Kano asked, he's really annoyed at this.

"What do you mean?" Shang Tsung asked, and in turn, both the sorcerer and the Thunder God approached the man, intrigued.

"You know it could be gambling...racing and all the manly shit.."

"Ah you don't get it then" Shang Tsung chided. "The Elder Gods are messing with us, _isn't that true, thunder god_?"

Raiden sighed. "Yes...They hate us for some reason"

"Well only the women get to suffer at least" Kano grinned.

Shang Tsung felt his eyed twitch, Raiden smirked at himself.

"Sure...only the women"

* * *

><p>AN: Aw man...It didn't feel funny to me...<p> 


End file.
